Trusting Him

It bugs me when I have nothing to say. When I feel like nothing is happening that is special enough write about, or post on Facebook. I'm not having some spiritual crisis or seeing visions or anything. I'm just kinda living, and it bugs me. It's not even that I want to impress everyone by talking about all my spiritual growth or all the miracles that I see or anything. I want to impress myself. I want to feel like I'm actually doing something. What I don't realize is that I already am. God doesn't always work in big bangs and people being saved out the wazoo. Of course, he can do all that stuff, he just doesn't do it all the time. God is certainly unpredictable but he's always working, even we don't feel it. Because it's not about our feelings! It's not about us in general.
When God first revealed Himself to me, I was so shocked. I was practically blinded, like Paul. I was so in love, He was all I could think about. He was all that mattered to me. I always hear the term "on fire" and that's exactly what it was. And it was awesome! I would definitely recommend it. I will certainly never be the same. What God has revealed to me, though, is that trusting Him, in my day to day life, is just as important. I have to trust that when I've been sitting on my couch all day doing school work that He still loves me and is still working. I have to trust that it's in His plan that I am here. Even when everything in the world is calling my name, I have to trust that His voice is the one that will lead me on the right path, even when the world looks a lot more appealing. And it is hard. And messy and frustrating and beautiful and awesome and I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything. He is absolutely enough. :)

Contentment

I have to say, I'm not really sure what I'm doing. All my life I've always been wishing that my life would be different in some way. That if I was older, Godlier, lived somewhere else, acted like someone else my life would be awesome, like something you make a movie about. I've never been content with who I am, or where I'm at at that particular moment. This past year, when I really figured out who Jesus was, all I wanted was to be somewhere else. I felt trapped in my little suburban town, I wanted to change the world. It's funny how now that I'm actually here, out in the world, I kind of want to go back. And I'm sure that if/when I do go back, I'll totally regret feeling that way. It's actually strange how surreal it all is and it doesn't feel as foreign countryish as I thought it would. I'm certainly not changing the world by any means. But I certainly don't want to sound like God hasn't been doing amazing things and that I haven't been growing, because I have. I'm 100% sure I'm supposed to be right were I am, which is comforting in so many ways. I just kind of wish I had someone to really support and encourage me and ask me one on one what I'm struggling with. I mean, I get to throw in a couple sentences in our saturday bible studies with my family and Cam, Nick and Jared. But it's not the same as someone talking to you because they care about you. I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I had a friend. Someone outside of my family. I've never not had a friend before.
The cool thing is, that through all that, I can learn how it is to fully rely on God. Even if I never have a single friend in this country, God is and always will be, my friend, my mentor, my dad, my king, my very life, which is way better than a trillion friends. I guess my prayer is simple that I can remember that and that He be my focus and that I realize that it's Him who can change the world and is changing it. It's Him that I can be content in with everything.

Wow, I really love You!

Oh Jesus! I was reminded of the enormity of who you are. I'm struggling with words, they don't really cover you very well. They actually don't even come close. I just randomly will realize how AMAZING you are. The hugeness of your love. I'm so young and this life is short. For all I know, it could end tomorrow. I only have one life and when I'm done with it I want to look you in the eye and see love. I want your Father to look at me and say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." If that's my goal, what do I have to fear? Oh, you are so awesome and powerful and loving. I want my life to be actually worth something. I want my life to thrive. I want my life to be alive. I want to be awake! I want my life to be worthy of you! Jesus, I want you to fill me up so much that I don't even exist anymore. You become everything I think about. I love that you love me. I love that you love everybody on Earth. I love that you love us even when you don't love us back. Fill my world. Read between the lines of my limited language and I hope you can see my message. I love you.
Your daughter, your sister, your bride,
Claire

Broken

I want to be broken.
Oh how I love that I can say that! I can say it with out being gripped by the fear that God wouldn't break me the way I wanted to be broken. I truly want my heart to be shattered in a million pieces, so that God can remake me into who He wants me to be. How can I appreciate anything good until then?
I want to lay broken at His feet, so that He is all I will ever want. He becomes the very air that I breath, my everything.
It's weird because I realized that I have never really experienced pain. I have never had my heart shattered. I've never really gone through a major trial, a major anything. Therefore, how can I grow? The best growth comes out of trials, right? Well, I want the know God and I mean, really know Him. And whatever has to happen for that to happen I want to happen. I'm sick of thinking about myself. I'm sick of not appreciating what I have. I'm sick of caring what everyone thinks of me. I'm sick of being a lover of the world.
I want to be broken, broken at His feet. Never looking back, picking up my cross and following Him. My lover, my very breath. My God. He's all I ever needed. :)

You are Mine

I realized something today. I realized that I don't have to be this strong Christian girl who knows exactly what to say and is filled with this wisdom that is beyond her years. I don't have to be praised for being such a godly young lady that is just so brave. God says to me, I wan't you, Claire. I wan't you. Not Miss. Strong Claire. Not Miss. Wise Claire. Just you. Just Claire. You are Mine.
How incredible.
Today, I also came to term with my feelings and had a crying session with my parents. I said the things out loud that I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want their image of me changed. Truth was, I was scared. This was hard for me to admit because I hadn't been scared for a while and I didn't like it. Fear had been such a huge part of my life before so I didn't want anymore. But I was scared. I miss Celina and all the people in it. I didn't absolutely love it here like I felt everyone wanted me to and I did not ever want to go back to America. I do want to go back to America. I felt confusion and doubt that I was even a Christian. I was guilty that I didn't feel this overwhelming love for everyone that I came across. So I pushed it all down and was then confused on what exactly I was pushing down. Was I pushing down feelings? Wasn't that unhealthy? Or was I pushing down my sinful desires and letting God through. I think it was a little of both. But shame is a ginormous foot hold for the devil. I didn't want to feel any of that. I don't like fear, or guilt, or doubt. I wanted to be a strong Christian girl that loved everybody and saves everybody. The truth is, I'm not a Paul or a Peter or a Isaiah like in the Bible. I am a Claire. God made me a Claire with a purpose. I have a purpose that is going to be different that anyone else's because, being a Claire, I am different than anyone else. God made me. He wants me. I am his. And yet again that same verse keeps popping into my mind. How it's truth is ringing throughout my life. Praise God!
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, You are Mine." Isaiah 43:1

Exodus 20: 3-4

Any one who knows me well knows that I love to read. As in, a book a day sort of love to read. Reading is great, I absolutely have nothing against reading. What I do have something against, however, is idols and that is exactly what reading had become to me.

For the past two weeks I have only been reading my bible and I plan to continue with that for about a month, maybe more. That means, no novels for Claire. I realized that reading books weren't just something I did for entertainment, it was a huge part of my life. And everything I had been heard recently had all been saying the same thing...Isn't God all that matters? Shouldn't every part of your life reflect that? Well, for me, books were the one thing I refused to give over to God. If I had a choice between a fiction novel and the bible, I would always choose the novel. Why was I filling my head with worldly things? Shouldn't what I put in to my head be what I want in my head? What I believe in? All reading them did was make it harder for me to love God... which is not what I want at all. So my goal is to just read the bible until I get my priorities in order. Until books become something that are not as a big deal to me as they are now. I had struggled with reading my bible for ages and now I read it every night. And you know what? I enjoy it. It's really been awesome. The bible is a living breathing thing that is God speaking to us, giving us all the instructions on how to be his servant, with is all I want in this life.

"You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth or in the waters below." Exodus 20: 3-4

Faith

I was just reading Hebrews 11 where it's talking about the "bible hall of fame" and all the different people who, by faith, did amazing things. Verses 38-40 say "the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."
Two things strike me in those verses. The first one is the phrase "The world was not worthy of them." To me, that is just plain cool. I mean, these people were awesome and did amazing things through faith. And the thing is, we all have the power. Matthew 17:20 says that "if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move here and there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." That is just plain incredible. Faith can move mountains and the world won't be worthy of us anymore.
Another thing is that is says that "none of them received what had been promised." This kind of surprised me and humbled me. I always think that rewards come right after you do something good. Instant gratification. It really got me that we may not have any more rewards in this lifetime. God could stop blessing me right now and it would still be worth it because of what comes next. "God had planned something better." Isn't that always true? God always has a better plan, we just can't see it right then and there, so we think we're getting ripped off. It must be pretty frustrating being God and seeing what He sees and knowing that just because we don't see it right now, doesn't mean it doesn't turn out for the best in the long run. How humbling is that? When I think about it that way, I find it crazy that I was ever doubtful of His wisdom. But, as humans we only see right in front of us. Thank goodness God is there to guide to the path of righteousness. All we need is a little faith.

Day in the life of me

I wake up at 6:45 to get ready to go help out at the school where my dad teaches. It's called the Island Academy and it's three little colored building right on the beach. I volunteer with my dad, who teaches six and seventh graders all at once. All the kids are super cute and it's really fun!
I come home at lunch and my mom, my sister and I normally watch a movie or bake cookies or something. Then I get started on school. It's all online and it usually takes me about three hours a day, sometimes less. It's harder than I thought it would be because you can't just walk up to the teacher and say, "I don't understand this." You just have to ask as many random people you can to help and read the entire textbook.
My brother Nathan gets home at 3:00. He's in kindergarden and loving it! By then I'm finished with school so we normally just hang out until my dad gets home. We normally go swimming, maybe do a bible study, watch movies, grade my dad's papers and just hang out until it's time to go to bed.
That is an average day in my life, completely different than what I'm used to. I have so much more free time! I realized how being busy is just a part of American culture. I think it's good to have structure, but when you're super busy you have absolutely no time to simply enjoy life! I think that is what I like most about Belize. It's like taking a deep breath. :)

We are His!

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine." Isaiah 43:1

I absolutely love this verse because it's so simple and straightforward. It only has four phrases and each of them are full of the power that can only come from God's word.
The first statement is "fear not." God isn't messing around when He says things, He means them. So He means it when he says do not be afraid. As in not. Ever.
Then He says "for I have redeemed you." In other words, it's all taken care of. We shouldn't be afraid because God saved us and God loves us. We are forgiven, redeemed.
The next part says "I have called you by your name." This part is so incredible that I based my entire blog on it. We are called, each and every one of us. Specifically. By name. And even more incredible is this... that He even knows our names, much less loves us more than we could ever comprehend. The King of Kings and the Lord of Lords knows my name.
And then finally, "you are Mine." And it's so true. We are His! Which of course means we are no one else's. Just His. We have no more ties to this world, we don't belong here anymore. He has ownership of us. We are His, specifically, with out fear, and are now redeemed. And we always will be.