I realized something today. I realized that I don't have to be this strong Christian girl who knows exactly what to say and is filled with this wisdom that is beyond her years. I don't have to be praised for being such a godly young lady that is just so brave. God says to me, I wan't you, Claire. I wan't you. Not Miss. Strong Claire. Not Miss. Wise Claire. Just you. Just Claire. You are Mine.
How incredible.
Today, I also came to term with my feelings and had a crying session with my parents. I said the things out loud that I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want their image of me changed. Truth was, I was scared. This was hard for me to admit because I hadn't been scared for a while and I didn't like it. Fear had been such a huge part of my life before so I didn't want anymore. But I was scared. I miss Celina and all the people in it. I didn't absolutely love it here like I felt everyone wanted me to and I did not ever want to go back to America. I do want to go back to America. I felt confusion and doubt that I was even a Christian. I was guilty that I didn't feel this overwhelming love for everyone that I came across. So I pushed it all down and was then confused on what exactly I was pushing down. Was I pushing down feelings? Wasn't that unhealthy? Or was I pushing down my sinful desires and letting God through. I think it was a little of both. But shame is a ginormous foot hold for the devil. I didn't want to feel any of that. I don't like fear, or guilt, or doubt. I wanted to be a strong Christian girl that loved everybody and saves everybody. The truth is, I'm not a Paul or a Peter or a Isaiah like in the Bible. I am a Claire. God made me a Claire with a purpose. I have a purpose that is going to be different that anyone else's because, being a Claire, I am different than anyone else. God made me. He wants me. I am his. And yet again that same verse keeps popping into my mind. How it's truth is ringing throughout my life. Praise God!
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, You are Mine." Isaiah 43:1
I love you so much! So blessed to have you as my daughter, just as you are. Beautifully and wonderfully made.
ReplyDeleteClaire,
ReplyDeleteI feel like I am reading some of my past journal entries here. Sometimes I literally have to meditate on Truth and scripture over and over until I believe it. I am so proud of you. Your courage does not come from lack of fear, but choosing to fight anyway because you have counted the costs. I am sure David was shaking in his boots when he was called to slay Goliath. But he did it any way. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. God uses your struggles and your victories to teach others.